Cold Sores the Size of Columbus ... OHIO

I didn’t even know it was possible. I knew I was prone. That’s no secret. Every time I get super-stressed or really sick, I break out in cold sores. I have a prescription from my doctor and as soon as I’m feeling tingly, I pop a couple of horse pills and magic ensues.

Remember how I said I was sick? Lots of nose blowing involved, right? So imagine my surprise when the tingling feeling I was experiencing in the rubbed-raw-by-tissue area under my left nostril turned out to be a cold sore!! I didn’t even know it was possible to grow something this nasty on a non-lip area. And it’s big. It’s huge. In the words of Will Ferrell in “Elf,” it’s gi-NORMOUS. We’re talking somewhere between a dime and a nickel and well, (gross moment coming!) chock FULL of gunk. It’s so big, it’s now under my right nostril as well. And a little bit up my nose. It looks like I’m growing cauliflower out of my nose. My Mom used to say if I didn’t clean out my ears I’d grow corn in there; you’d think she would have warned me about THIS!

Have I grossed you out? Good. I want everybody to be as miserable as I am. You know how if you injure any part of your nose it makes your eyes water? Yeah - my eyes are watering all of the time, man!

OK, enough for now.

Sparkycus turns thirteen next Friday! Pictured here with his panther cat, Jackson, he is growing into quite the cool young man. Sensitive to other people and quite possibly as funny as his mother, he seems to be well-liked and sought out by his peers. We had parent- teacher torture conferences last week and every single one of his eight teachers gushed about how great he is. One guy was so effusive we showed him the child’s picture to be sure we were talking about the same kid. (I’m kidding, but come on - you laughed, didn’t you?)

Work continues to go well. I work with some of the greatest people. After leaving the video production company, I was convinced I would never work with that caliber of human beings again. Imagine my well, joy, at finding more of these folks! The guys immediately surrounding my desk are all very, very funny and two of them are pretty informed when it comes to pop culture, which makes them aces in my book. There are a couple of women there who somehow manage to speak to my soul. We have in depth, meaningful conversations almost daily and I can feel myself healing and growing. Uh, oh … getting misty-eyed. Better insert some funny …

So I was supposed to meet my boss at a breakfast seminar this morning at 7:30, then give her a ride to work after the class.

I wake up, yawn and stretch, turn to the clock. “7:35,” I grin to myself, “I actually slept!” My pleasure was short-lived. Reality bitch-slaps me in the form of realization as I shoot out of bed yelling, “shit, shit, shit!” and high-tail it to the shower. Once there, I calm down. There’s nothing I can do about it now: I’m late. Then it hits me <blam!> Dawn needs a ride to work! Now I have to break the news to the child that he has to ride the bus and I head for the seminar site. On the way there, I work on my reasons and excuses. I don’t have a single one, so I settle on honesty: I’m a dumb-ass and forgot. Satisfied with my very grown-up acceptance of my own stupidity, I head into the auditorium.

The sweet, sweet smell of biscuits, coffee and sausage embrace me as I walk in the door. My God, did they have this sucker catered by Denny’s? Man, it smelled good … like turkey & pumpkin pie smell after a three hour car-ride to Grandma’s good … like the wall of beer and cinnamon-roasted almond scent when you walk in to the ball game good … like smacking those women in the Yoplait commercials and shoving their spoons up their noses good …

I survey the auditorium exits and decide which door to stand near in order to optimize my chances of catching Dawn before she made it to a phone to call the office and ask where I was. As I stand waiting, I realize I can hear every word the speaker is saying. She’s handing out prizes! Amused, I listen as she trumpets, “… and to the first one here this morning …” and proceeds to announce Dawn’s name. Not only have I established myself as a complete nincompoop, but my boss gets the prize for arriving first. Cool, Laura, very cool.

Luckily, Dawn just laughed when she saw me. I’m not sure why, but she thinks I’m cool. I’m not sure who spread that rumor, but if whomever did could just spread it a little more, that would be great.

Time for a shout-out: LISA!!! How long have you been reading this? Do you have ANY idea how many incorrect and possibly inappropriate uses of commas, colons and semi-colons I’ve got goin’ in this thing? Man, I have GOT to get that stupid sitemeter thing fixed.

Here’s a great site for wasting time; http://www.worth1000.com/ I probably won’t post for a while; Sparkycus’ friend birthday party is tomorrow night complete with sleep-over, so I’m sure I’ll be busy. Keep yourselves amused whilst I’m gone. (