Name This Post!

OK, so ... a lot has happened. I am in the middle of an upsweep, a resurgence. I don't even know where to start.

I moved out. I have a vision board. I seem to be dating the man I meant to divorce. My new roommate is an alcoholic. I am in love with a married male friend who has no clue or doesn't feel the same or might but can't say anything because he is an honorable man ... and he lives four hours away. My son is wonderful. I haven't talked to my sister in two weeks because she's been busy. I loaded myself down with too much stress and my body is revolting via something we call "Swamp Lung". I have some amazing friends. I have a day job I do not belong at any more. I have a skill/gift/talent as a psychic I'm suddenly scared will not be there when I start using it again. I have started as a consultant for Tastefully Simple but not done anything about it. I live in a rented house that is on the market. I am worried about a money but trying to understand how to come from a place of belief in abundance. I am in a Master Mind group and don't know why. I don't know what I want short term. I know I will have my own national talk show and that's about the only thing I do know.

Yup, that about sums it up.

Lyrics from Rob Thomas', "Small Wonders"

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

Acceptance

I realized there is a great deal of power and peace in acceptance.

I decided to stay and try to work things out with Spartacus but couldn't face publishing on the subject. It makes me feel like a liar, to be so adamant about leaving "this time" and then backing away yet again.

Much has changed within me. Not to say that I've discovered a love I didn't know I had for him, but rather for myself.

I'm still leaving, just not this very moment. I feel a very firm "wait" being said to me. The time is close but not yet at hand. And I'm okay with that.

I've learned to listen to my intution. Since beginning the blind faith of acceptance of things given and shown to me, I find it much easier to function. I'm sleeping better, I feel better, I'm a much nicer me.

I was going to take down all of the in-between posts. Between October's post ... the beginning of all of this-the trip where it all started to dawn on me ... that I am capable, vital and connected and the journey toward making decisions ... and today; I wanted to hide it all. But you know what? It happened. And I'm proud of it because I'm in the game rather than sitting in the stands watching my own life unfold. Just realizing that is a great feeling.

Each day a new and great blessing is made obvious. I've learned that asking and receiving really do go hand in hand. I am grateful daily. Life, regardless of the moment, is wonderful.

More soon.

It's Not Even Very Windy

Check out the current weather conditions:

Christmas Away

Since moving here, we've spent every holiday with Spartacus' parents about 20 miles from here. With my family split up and all over the country, it's always made sense. And since we're splitting up I didn't think it right to accept their gifts just before leaving the marriage, so I spent the weekend with a girlfriend in the Cities while Spartacus & Sparkycus trekked to the homestead. Why would I take a weekend filled with gifts and food away from Sparkycus?

From a parental standpoint, it was ... the ... worst ... weekend ... of ... my ... life.

I can't find the words to tell you how terrible being away from him was. I can't imagine how other parents do this every holiday. I think we're going to have to talk about a Christmas Eve and Christmas Day split. I think I could handle that.

My girlfriend was good; a little weepy because it was her first Christmas without her family, but otherwise good.

I also had lunch with an old friend that I was hoping for sparks with. Not only has he not aged well, but there was very little connectivity there. Bummer. I was hoping for something easy. My girlfriend's comment was, "have you noticed that you're always looking for the easy way?" Hmmm ... something to look at.

Today

I've observed a down-swing in things lately. From relationships at work to some things just plain falling to poop, we're definitely on the kinetic side of the roller coaster hill. Or would that be potential since it's downhill and kinetic would be the hardest part going uphill but there's no actual work since it was built up previously? Aargh - my brain is going to break!

That's okay. You know why? Because now I KNOW. I know that the downhill ride won't last forever and that my attitude has a direct effect on everything and everyone around me. I resolve to be authentic, to be in the moment and to control my angst. And friggin' smile, for pete's sake!

After a decade of nothingness, I am SO back!

Invitations Issued

Spartacus just didn't seem to be detaching. He wasn't giving an sign of accepting that we're splitting up and that the only reason I'm still in this house is because I have no where else to go at the moment.

I talked to a friend about it and she had a great suggestion ... tell him to get a girlfriend.

So I did. At first he teared up some, I'm assuming he was surprised and probably hurt by what he perceived as the suddenness of it. Twenty minutes later, he was asking if I had any leads for him.

Sparkycus' birthday is less than 2 weeks away. His 14th will be marked by having a bunch of friends over ... girls even!

Too tired to be very witty right now, so will leave you to whatever it is you're avoiding doing.

Be well.